My Room!

So I decided at the start of the summer that I was going to completely redo my bedroom. I was gonna paint walls and the floor and the trim and everything. I mean, I was really gonna go at it.

Suffice it to say, it didn't quite happen that way.

I did paint the windowsill and one wall worth of trim the other day, though, so at least I have that.

I'd been cleaning out my room bit by bit all summer.  I went a few weeks without doing jack shit, but it's summer, so go figure I didn't wanna work that hard. hahahaha.

Anyway.

I completely rearranged my bedroom yesterday. My bed is in the adjacent corner, the dresser is now across the room where my bed used to be and my desk is now occupying the space vacated by my dresser. The closet/wardrobe will have to be returned to the corner where it belongs, but the shelving unit taking up space between desk and closet needs to go. I need a new shelving unit. I really want to buy a bunch of these little...

plastic storage bins/drawers/thingies. Preferably sans-wheels, but that's me.
They're perfect for keeping like-minded shit together. And considering I have a TON of random odds&ends crap that I don't really want to get rid of but am totally unsure what to do with, these are perfect.
I've actually got all my socks and underwear and bras in one already that I bought while in college. Total lifesaver; I love it.

So go figure I want more of them, right?

Only my mom's a touch on the resistant side. But I'm going to get them anyway. She wants my room organized? She'll have to let me organize it in my OCD manner. EVERYTHING HAS TO HAVE ITS OWN DAMN PLACE >.<

Ahem.

Anyway.

Yes.

I also want to put up shelves behind my door as well. Preferably from pretty low to pretty high up. I'm not entirely certain what it is I think I'll STORE there, buuuuut whatever. Anything works.

I also really wanna take a page out of Hank Green's book and make a bunch of floating bookshelves for stacks of books around my room. The only problem, of course, is that I'll be taking these books with me and then there's a bunch of these random things in this bedroom. HOWEVER! We do have a ton of books around the house that could just as easily be stacked on the walls in my room. I'm not gonna live there forever, after all.

I just have too much stuff for my allotted space. The vast majority of my college stuff is still in the collection of plastic tote boxes I brought it all home in. For real. It's ridiculous.  At least when I get my own apartment and move into a completely new space with dedicated areas for genres of objects, I'll be able to actually START organized. That'll help.

As it is, right now I have to bring in most of my stuff back into my room and stack it somewhere so that it's not in my brother's room. This is going to be awful.  I need to do some hardcore paring-down.

Uff-dah.

So that's what I've been doing!

I'll post pictures of the current status later. (I'm currently work and haven't taken pictures yet. So either way they're unavailable. lol)

Anyway.  There you have it. My absurdly hectic life.

But it's lunch time now so I'm out.

Toodles!

Urrgghnng.

Now that's a title. Go ahead and give pronouncing that a go. Take a few seconds.

Okay now stop because it's more like a grumble/groany noise than any real sound. So... whatever you just did is probably close enough.

Here's the deal:

I decided back at the start of the summer that--well, more like came to the realization, but I digress--I, at present, do not have the emotional capacity to furnish a functional relationship.  Not in the "I've been hurt by too many boys" kind of way or anything like that. More like "I have a list of psychological disasters that would make your head spin going on all at the same time and I don't have the capacity for relationship drama."
Like, seriously? My head is a disaster area. It looks like New Orleans post-Katrina. Yeah, it's that bad.
I'm not here to make excuses. I'm not here to sob story or pity party. My life, however... unfortunate... is not worth all that. It could certainly be worse. It has been worse, but that's beside the point.

The point is that, even though I kept trying anyway, I'm just... mentally, not in a good place for this right now.  Trust me, I want to be. I like boys. I like relationships. Having someone there for you, having that affection and that reassurance that somebody thinks you're attractive--it's nice. But for all that I've found affection and attraction, I've never been able to find someone who was willing to lend the kind of emotional support that I need(ed). And that's not really a slam against any of these boys, either. (This makes it sound like there's been several of them, but I assure you there really haven't.)  I'm just saying that, so far, nothing I've had has been what I actually needed.
It was what I wanted, at the time. At least for the most part. I mean, don't get me wrong, no relationship is ever perfect. (And if it is, someone's lying.) But relationships don't have to be perfect for you to be happy with them.

I was just about to talk about my relationships. I even typed a bunch of stuff out. HAH! Yeah, we're not going there.  Long story(ies) short, neither one was really much my type.

I really ought to report one other factor: they've all been military. Except for... one... Yes, one. HOLY JEEZUZ I NEED TO DATE WITHIN MY COLLEGE. >_<  Anyway.  I have a hard time complaining about that notion too much just simply because I do have some really great friends that are in the military.  I do. And I love them to pieces. And I totally respect what these guys are doing and what they stand for and all that mumbo jumbo. I do. Honest. I'm not a military-hater.
But... uh... ya know... Judging by my past history, my personality doesn't fit. With more than just the actual organization itself, apparently.
But I'ma stop before I hurt somebody's feelings.  I probably already have.

It's really too bad I'm a bitch, huh?

The reason I mention any of this really is because with every date I go on it just becomes more and more apparent that I'm not interested in doing this right now.  And perhaps it's just the guys that I'm seeing. But... you know... I just don't want to right now. I don't.
And I'm not saying that I'm gonna go be a lesbian now thank you.  I may come off as a bit iffy sometimes, but I really am totally straight. Really.
Here is not the place to admit curiosity.
hahahahahhaa


Seriously, though, I realized a week or two ago that I'm actually a lot happier without boy drama in my life. And it was a super depressing realization because I like boys. I like boys a lot!  Boys are great! But uh... yeah... right now I think they can stay on their side of the gym.*

**that's a joke referencing junior high dances (which I never attended) at which boys stand against one wall and girls against the other because Ew, cooties.  Except... yeah... I don't know that we (my school) ever really experienced that growing up. I could be wrong. I was kind of excluded from everything, after all.


Anyway. That's all I've got.  In time it'll change. I mean, I'm moving to a new city with new boys in a month. Do you REALLY think I'm going to be able to keep my eyes to myself? I don't think so.  It's highly unlikely.
But for now...

Just A Thought

I was having a conversation with my godfather a few weeks ago now and we got to talking about religion and such.  He's recently become an ordained minister, so this isn't an odd occurrence for us. As families, I mean; I guess I don't really do a lot of one-on-one conversing with him.

Something he said last time he was up has been spinning around in my head lately. And it's not like I've never thought about it before, obviously, but I guess that it's different hearing it from him.  I look up to him. I always have.  He's pretty much immediate family, even though we aren't related by blood.
Anyway, he said, "The Bible's great, but it's a story.  It's all a story."
And he's right.  There's a lot to be learned from the Bible.  I am not discounting the lessons that the Bible is designed to teach us.  But I don't think that so much emphasis really needs to go into/onto some of the points  within.
For example, the Bible states that we aren't supposed to mark our bodies or cut our hair, etc.  Body is a temple kind of thing.
But, quite frankly, our body doesn't come with us when we die.  Our bodies we leave behind.  Therefore, what does it matter whether or not we inject our skin with ink or chemically alter the color or texture of our hair?  What should it matter if we surgically alter things that make us uncomfortable?
The only thing we take with us to Heaven when we die is our everlasting soul--which is only everlasting in Jesus Christ, our Savior and Lord.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not condemning anybody who doesn't believe religiously/spiritually the same way that I do.  I don't care if you're Muslim or Catholic or Mormon or Jewish or whatever you are.  More power to you.  Honestly.  But I am Christian and I stand behind what I believe in, even if it isn't fun.

Anyway.  Yeah. The body art is really what I wanted to talk about.  I don't think it matters so much what we do with our physical selves so much as people like to insist that it does.  Like I said, we don't bring them with us.  It's our spiritual selves, our souls, that we really have to worry about.

Chew on that.  You don't have to conclude in agreement. But think about it.

Project

I have been inspired by recent events to finally start a series of posts that probably belongs on a Tumblr blog, but I don't USE Tumblr, so it's going on Blogger.
How's THAT for loyalty?

Anyway.
This is a list of

 

And the order of things on the list is not in any particular order of importance.  So.

 

 

Catch you later.

--Emily Renae

 

Your Attention, Please?

The world is a dark and threatening, unwelcoming place. It thrives on entropy and mass destruction. It harbours evil of any and every nature. It fosters degradation and erosion. This world does not know time or fairness. This world does not accommodate for disability or illness. This world exists for itself.
But, we as a people need more than this. We, as a people, need light and comfort, stability and contentment. We work for companionship and goodness, camaraderie and happiness. We, as a people, invented time and fairness. We make room for disability and fight against illness. We, as a people, exist for each other.
This world is unkind, but we don't have to be. We were gifted with the capacity to love and to nurture, to grow and to succeed. The world is dark, but we, my friends, we are the sparks in that blackness, and we must light our own small orb of joy. We must ignite the fires of others and bring light.
Create your own spot of sunshine in this everlasting darkness. Go out and be happy; bring joy to all others. Pull others into your orb of joy that it might spread and chase away the blackness. We have too much potential to cower in fear of what lurks in the shadows. So walk boldly, and smile brightly.
We're all here for a reason. Reasons diverse and temporary as our beings. Do not allow the shortness of your life to overtake you, but bask in the glory of its infinite length. Fill it from end to end with everything you've got and when it's over, sing praise for every moment. But smile, my friend. Smile always.
Laugh and love and forever let the light of your life shine bright in the eyes of others that we may all know your value. Choose to be happy and choose to go far. Defy your limits and create your own reality; it's such a simple, subjective thing. Love; know that you are loved. Smile, and let us all smile back.

An Introductive Bio

I've been blogging in Ramblings With Direction on and off for approximately three years I think.  If you've jumped from that blog to this one, this post will probably prove relatively unnecessary for your viewing. Just the same, you may learn something, so by all means continue.

I was born in Montgomery, Alabama to Kevin and Sharon (Sorenson) Mell, both of whom are from North Dakota.  At the time of my birth, my parents already had a [recently] 5-year-old, Milo, who was such a good brother that he literally kicked his friends out of the house if they weren't nice enough to me.  When my mom was 8 months pregnant with my little brother, Matthew, my family moved back to North Dakota from Alabama to help my great-uncle and grandpa on the family farm.
We grew up broke. Scratch that--REALLY broke. Even so, my parents worked very hard to give us a good childhood.  We did not want for toys and things, but we didn't get everything we ever asked for. Looking back, I'm particularly glad for that.
My brothers and I got along relatively well in the grand scheme of things.  We all fought like mad, but just the same we were a pretty tight-knit group.  I played cars and trucks and stuff with them; from time to time they played dollies/barbies with me. It didn't make anyone girly or boyish or anything; we were kids, and we were the only kids we knew, at least until school started.
Growing up, I really didn't get along with my classmates.  I tried everything for awhile in the beginning--even pretending to be stupid, but when it finally occurred to me that nothing was going to make them like me, I just gave up and turned to books. At that point in life, I preferred to be anywhere but here, even if only in imagination/spirit.  So I taught myself to delve deeply into the material that I was reading.  When I stuffed my face in a book, the world just dropped away.  I sat with a dictionary for awhile and looked up words I didn't know.  That didn't exactly go over well with my peers, either.
Don't get me wrong, I had a friend here or there over the years, but never very many, and I've done a lot of questioning of the validity, legitimacy, honest, whatever, of a few of them.
The summer after junior year, in 2010, I went to Washington, DC for the National Rural Electric Cooperative Association (NRECA) National Youth Tour. That summer I was also elected to represent North Dakota on the NRECA's Youth Leadership Council, featuring one student from 42 states in the nation with RECs (and participating in the program). This allowed me a second trip to Washington, DC the following month, which--thankfully--cut off half of my National FBLA trip to Nashville, TN.  (Suffice it to say I did NOT enjoy that trip.) Also, the NRECA Annual Meeting was in Orlando, FL in March of the following year.
In October of my senior year of high school, my little brother committed suicide. It is literally the shittiest thing that has ever happened in my entire life, and I pray that I will live for a very, very long time before something else matches or outweighs it.  Honestly, I'm not entirely positive that I could handle anything else so catastrophic any time soon.  I already cope with (undiagnosed) clinical strength depression that cycles at a more rapid rate than it used to; I don't think I could handle being drug through hell again.

My life has heretofore been terribly unfortunate.  I don't mean it to come out as a sob story like oh boo hoo my life sucks.  Because, despite all that, it really hasn't/doesn't.  I've been drug through hell more than once and come out the other side intact, perhaps even stronger than I went in.  I have the presence of mind to look back and be embarrassed/ashamed of some bits and pieces of my past and proud as hell of others.

I guess I skipped over graduation and my first year of college. There really isn't much worth mentioning. I had my first relationship fall semester. It lasted 6 weeks, which, in retrospect, is kind of amazing because we really were doomed from the start.
I transferred from Minot State University to University of North Dakota this fall, and I'm so excited I can't even stand it.  I need to get the hell out of this region, and the sooner the better.  I've never fit here and I'm never going to; that's all there is to it.  There's a lot that I like about Minot, but I need more.  And I can't even specify "More what?" because it's just an all-encompassing MORE.  It's difficult to explain.

For what feels like the first time in my life, I have been genuinely happy this summer.  I don't really know why.  I don't have any real legitimate reason or excuse for it.  But I will tell you why:
I allowed myself to be.
I decided to be happy and discovered that that's really all there is to it.  Once you allow yourself to be happy you can be, and will be.  I still miss my brother like hell. I still cope with depression and all kinds of psychological bullshit, but I'm not allowing it to own me anymore.  My life is mine, and I'm deciding to smile. I'm choosing happy.  I like waking up in the morning and looking forward to the day instead of dreading it.  It's a good feeling.

So that's a very general overview/gloss-over of my life thus far.  And I mean VERY general overview.
This blog will probably consist of memories from childhood or particular events in my present, musings about things that were, are, might be, will never be.  I generally try to keep the exactitude of my life off of the internet but sometimes I feel like there's something that other people can learn from my life and experiences.  Sometimes I feel like I have something I need to teach people; I don't know what it is or how I'm supposed to go about doing so, but... it's a feeling I get sometimes.

So, until we again converge,
--Emily