Now that's a title. Go ahead and give pronouncing that a go. Take a few seconds.
Okay now stop because it's more like a grumble/groany noise than any real sound. So... whatever you just did is probably close enough.
Here's the deal:
I decided back at the start of the summer that--well, more like came to the realization, but I digress--I, at present, do not have the emotional capacity to furnish a functional relationship. Not in the "I've been hurt by too many boys" kind of way or anything like that. More like "I have a list of psychological disasters that would make your head spin going on all at the same time and I don't have the capacity for relationship drama."
Like, seriously? My head is a disaster area. It looks like New Orleans post-Katrina. Yeah, it's that bad.
I'm not here to make excuses. I'm not here to sob story or pity party. My life, however... unfortunate... is not worth all that. It could certainly be worse. It has been worse, but that's beside the point.
The point is that, even though I kept trying anyway, I'm just... mentally, not in a good place for this right now. Trust me, I want to be. I like boys. I like relationships. Having someone there for you, having that affection and that reassurance that somebody thinks you're attractive--it's nice. But for all that I've found affection and attraction, I've never been able to find someone who was willing to lend the kind of emotional support that I need(ed). And that's not really a slam against any of these boys, either. (This makes it sound like there's been several of them, but I assure you there really haven't.) I'm just saying that, so far, nothing I've had has been what I actually needed.
It was what I wanted, at the time. At least for the most part. I mean, don't get me wrong, no relationship is ever perfect. (And if it is, someone's lying.) But relationships don't have to be perfect for you to be happy with them.
I was just about to talk about my relationships. I even typed a bunch of stuff out. HAH! Yeah, we're not going there. Long story(ies) short, neither one was really much my type.
I really ought to report one other factor: they've all been military. Except for... one... Yes, one. HOLY JEEZUZ I NEED TO DATE WITHIN MY COLLEGE. >_< Anyway. I have a hard time complaining about that notion too much just simply because I do have some really great friends that are in the military. I do. And I love them to pieces. And I totally respect what these guys are doing and what they stand for and all that mumbo jumbo. I do. Honest. I'm not a military-hater.
But... uh... ya know... Judging by my past history, my personality doesn't fit. With more than just the actual organization itself, apparently.
But I'ma stop before I hurt somebody's feelings. I probably already have.
It's really too bad I'm a bitch, huh?
The reason I mention any of this really is because with every date I go on it just becomes more and more apparent that I'm not interested in doing this right now. And perhaps it's just the guys that I'm seeing. But... you know... I just don't want to right now. I don't.
And I'm not saying that I'm gonna go be a lesbian now thank you. I may come off as a bit iffy sometimes, but I really am totally straight. Really.
Here is not the place to admit curiosity.
hahahahahhaa
Seriously, though, I realized a week or two ago that I'm actually a lot happier without boy drama in my life. And it was a super depressing realization because I like boys. I like boys a lot! Boys are great! But uh... yeah... right now I think they can stay on their side of the gym.*
**that's a joke referencing junior high dances (which I never attended) at which boys stand against one wall and girls against the other because Ew, cooties. Except... yeah... I don't know that we (my school) ever really experienced that growing up. I could be wrong. I was kind of excluded from everything, after all.
Anyway. That's all I've got. In time it'll change. I mean, I'm moving to a new city with new boys in a month. Do you REALLY think I'm going to be able to keep my eyes to myself? I don't think so. It's highly unlikely.
But for now...
Okay now stop because it's more like a grumble/groany noise than any real sound. So... whatever you just did is probably close enough.
Here's the deal:
I decided back at the start of the summer that--well, more like came to the realization, but I digress--I, at present, do not have the emotional capacity to furnish a functional relationship. Not in the "I've been hurt by too many boys" kind of way or anything like that. More like "I have a list of psychological disasters that would make your head spin going on all at the same time and I don't have the capacity for relationship drama."
Like, seriously? My head is a disaster area. It looks like New Orleans post-Katrina. Yeah, it's that bad.
I'm not here to make excuses. I'm not here to sob story or pity party. My life, however... unfortunate... is not worth all that. It could certainly be worse. It has been worse, but that's beside the point.
The point is that, even though I kept trying anyway, I'm just... mentally, not in a good place for this right now. Trust me, I want to be. I like boys. I like relationships. Having someone there for you, having that affection and that reassurance that somebody thinks you're attractive--it's nice. But for all that I've found affection and attraction, I've never been able to find someone who was willing to lend the kind of emotional support that I need(ed). And that's not really a slam against any of these boys, either. (This makes it sound like there's been several of them, but I assure you there really haven't.) I'm just saying that, so far, nothing I've had has been what I actually needed.
It was what I wanted, at the time. At least for the most part. I mean, don't get me wrong, no relationship is ever perfect. (And if it is, someone's lying.) But relationships don't have to be perfect for you to be happy with them.
I was just about to talk about my relationships. I even typed a bunch of stuff out. HAH! Yeah, we're not going there. Long story(ies) short, neither one was really much my type.
I really ought to report one other factor: they've all been military. Except for... one... Yes, one. HOLY JEEZUZ I NEED TO DATE WITHIN MY COLLEGE. >_< Anyway. I have a hard time complaining about that notion too much just simply because I do have some really great friends that are in the military. I do. And I love them to pieces. And I totally respect what these guys are doing and what they stand for and all that mumbo jumbo. I do. Honest. I'm not a military-hater.
But... uh... ya know... Judging by my past history, my personality doesn't fit. With more than just the actual organization itself, apparently.
But I'ma stop before I hurt somebody's feelings. I probably already have.
It's really too bad I'm a bitch, huh?
The reason I mention any of this really is because with every date I go on it just becomes more and more apparent that I'm not interested in doing this right now. And perhaps it's just the guys that I'm seeing. But... you know... I just don't want to right now. I don't.
And I'm not saying that I'm gonna go be a lesbian now thank you. I may come off as a bit iffy sometimes, but I really am totally straight. Really.
Here is not the place to admit curiosity.
hahahahahhaa
Seriously, though, I realized a week or two ago that I'm actually a lot happier without boy drama in my life. And it was a super depressing realization because I like boys. I like boys a lot! Boys are great! But uh... yeah... right now I think they can stay on their side of the gym.*
**that's a joke referencing junior high dances (which I never attended) at which boys stand against one wall and girls against the other because Ew, cooties. Except... yeah... I don't know that we (my school) ever really experienced that growing up. I could be wrong. I was kind of excluded from everything, after all.
Anyway. That's all I've got. In time it'll change. I mean, I'm moving to a new city with new boys in a month. Do you REALLY think I'm going to be able to keep my eyes to myself? I don't think so. It's highly unlikely.
But for now...
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